I remember before the girls were born having these fleeting thoughts about what was going to happen if I "pushed the issue" of my infertility. Was infertility God's way of telling us that we were not destined to have children? Were we meant to be childless? Would pushing forward with fertility treatments cause us to be "punished" later on? I always knew it wasn't rational thinking but you have a lot of time to think while sitting in specialists offices for hours on end.
Now I am the mother of a child with special needs (technically two). Every once in a while I find my brain flashing the question 'did I cause this'? Again, flawed logic... I know. Sometimes we have those days. She has a big fall. She spend the morning flapping and spinning. She gets caught "in a loop" and can't move from a topic. She parrots my own speech back to me instead of having a conversation. A BAD DAY. Those are the days when I have the moments of doubt. Did I do this to myself and her? Is this some form of punishment?
I know the answer. I know I was destined to be her Mom. I know that the lessons I will learn from her will far outweigh the bad days. I know that. In the meantime, in the middle of a day from hell, it's hard not to ask.